The Middle Way (Eightfold Path) – Realistic Thought

This is the fifth post of the “middle way” articles. It is only a personal exploration of the middle way; just my understanding of it. The eightfold path (the “middle way”) is described as path to the cessation of suffering or the fourth noble truth.

This post will cover the subject of Right or Realistic Thought.

To review, the eightfold path, (the middle way) has the following parts (the discipline it is connected to is in parenthesis):

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1. Realistic Understanding (Wisdom)
2. Realistic Thought (Wisdom)
3. Realistic Speech (Ethical Conduct)
4. Realistic Action (Ethical Conduct)
5. Realistic Livelihood (Ethical Conduct)
6. Realistic Effort (Mental Discipline)
7. Realistic Mindfulness (Mental Discipline)
8. Realistic Concentration (Mental Discipline)

For a description of why I describe these as “realistic” as opposed to right or rightful please read my post Right or Realistic Effort.

- DV

It has been a while since my last post on the Eightfold path, and I thought it was certainly the right time to continue to work through these.  They have been very different than what I had expected, and certainly have opened up a different view on how to approach certain aspects of my life.

Today’s post is on realistic thought, which is one of the two Buddhist disciplines for wisdom.  The first discipline for wisdom being Realistic Understanding which I explored in a previous post.  That post mentioned some ways to attain realistic understanding in order to gain some wisdom and reduce the negative filters that we accumulate through life. The filters that hold us back and in most cases increase suffering in our lives.

Realistic understanding or view is a much different concept from realistic thought, because in realistic understanding we were exploring what it took to change our view on the events around us. Realistic understanding is for a clear view. In the realistic thought part of the path, we are looking at the core of what matters, one’s intention.

It always comes down to intention

Much of the middle way is squarely focused on knowing yourself, taking responsibility for your actions and intentions, and really, not taking responsibility for that which is not yours.  It is a hard road. 

How many times have you been in a situation with a person, who speaks one way, and then acts another?  If you have not performed this feat of delusion yourself, and you have been on the planet for a while, I would bet you have certainly witnessed it in others.  Taken to extremes, we can use the example of politicians, and how people generally feel about them. What does this split between words and actions tell you about a person?  About their thought process? About their actions? How about their intentions?

Easy to trust this person? 

The realistic thought part of the middle way seems to really focus in on one’s intentions and getting down to the “who we really are” part. There seems no better test for ourselves as to what we really care about, what is most important in our lives, than examining our intentions. 

Let’s try a hypothetical situation. Say there is a person in our life who is kind of toxic to us.  Their behavior pushes our buttons.  It seems like, at least from our view, their intention is to hurt, manipulate, or take something from us.  Rough situation.  What happens in response to this behavior when we are not at our best? 

These days, well most of them, I kind of look at the person with pity.  I really do. 

In the past, when those buttons were slammed down hard, more times than I would like to admit, I injected into the world more pain, more bad behavior.  I believe this is what people call “acting out.” I truly I felt horrible after.  Most people in this situation do.

Why did I feel badly after?

Because the intention behind my action, was different than who I wanted to be.

Somewhere in my life, the accumulation of toxicity somehow caused a shut off to the understanding that my actions had nothing to do with what was going on around me.  There is no law saying I need to react to someone giving me a hard time.  I had let my hurt define my intention, and in a way let the hurt define who I was.

This is no great admission. Everyone acts defensively to a degree.  It is kind of what people are saying when they say your life experiences define who you are.

Defining Who We Are – Our Intentions

We all know it is not good enough to have good intentions, but it is a start. Some may call it a core part to making decisions that are in harmony with how we want to live.  The other core aspects, are rightful thought, and acting with integrity, etc.  That is why it is difficult to split out the eightfold path, saying one part is more important than the other.  It is not enough to know your intentions and act on them, your view must also be clear to make the right decisions.  We can’t let our hopes or fears cloud our judgement, while our intentions are at play.

Realistic thought is a way to simplify, or better put, clarify one’s life.  It is a methodical approach to define our priorities.  Sometimes stating the negative works best for me:

• Do I want to hurt people?  
• Do I compromise myself and my values because I want money, power, or will reduce retaliation upon myself?
• Am I ok with someone else hurting someone else if it doesn’t affect me or makes me feel like I belong?

These questions deal with the heart of intention.   I’m not sure of anyone who would answer yes, or admit to any of these, but how often do we see it, feel it, act on these very intentions.  This is where the suffering comes in.  This is when good people act badly.  The school yard politics are alive and well aren’t they?  Bigger stakes perhaps as the years go by, but the baggage of hurt and fear are basically the same.  In the home, friends, family, or work, the stories are different, but the intentions are the same.

Let’s try the positive, and when I do, looking at realistic thought seems to comes down to one vague notion:

Can I give up anything that I love?

Deep.

By “things I love”, I mean those things we grasp on to: things, people, ideas, beliefs, feelings, judgements, etc.

Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine

Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.  Or perhaps, more correct: I want, I want, I want, I want, I want.

It is natural to want, but the real question is, do you know enough about yourself to take what you want out of the equation of your intention? 

Let’s use a stereotype situation for more elaboration on this topic, (this may push a few buttons):

A couple gets married.  In the first year everything seems to be going pretty good. Well, not really.  After seven months there is a child.  Second year, relations among the couple get heated, anger arises.  The situation between the two becomes d

isillusioned, communication has broken down.  The yelling bouts have grown, and have become about the toilet seat, not washing the car, money, sex.  There is a second child on the way.  Offensive behavior has lead to defensive behavior, and now the family and extended family knows of the secondary problems of this tattered relationship. 

As an objective observer, do you know what is right to do? How easy would it be to do it?

Promises broken.  This one is not going to be fixed.  It just isn’t.

How about now?

Three years: feelings of hurt, pain, control.  The relationship becomes physically abusive.  The children begin acting out in day care. 

Now?

The husband hides the marks on his body.  He knows his wife is using drugs.  He sees the effect the pain and the hurt in the relationship is having on the children, but he is afraid of what people will think if they find out what he has let happen. He is afraid of what his wife will say in retaliation of trying to take the children away. She is very believable. He loves his wife. He loves his children.

?

How easy is it to act, taking out what is important to us, our hopes our fears, and to do what is that we know is best for someone else?

To take out what it is you love from the equation of intention, is to be selfless, or in more recent terms “not selfish.” 

A selfless act, from my perspective, is pretty darn difficult, and pretty darn exceptional.

This hypothetical scenario was extreme, but each time we act without realistic thought or realistic view, the cumulative effect is suffering. 

I don’t care what people think.

The next stage in the process of dealing with the split between our mixed intentions and who we would like to be is the “I don’t care what people think” statement.  The “I don’t care what people think” statement is usually, well, bullshit. And usually when I have heard it, it is a declaration of “I care absolutely what people think.” I don’t know of anyone who hasn’t said this one out loud. It is a symptom to the problem.

The intention for this “don’t care” statement is good, I suppose.  The acceptance that striving for other’s approval is probably not the best way to go, although not having anyone to bounce your intentions off of is kind of a trap.  Not listening to the feedback of the world only will prolong the suffering.  This is where good friends come in.  Find yourself some selfless ones to help you gauge if your intentions and your actions are in line with each other.   This is key to the path, or you can live in a cave and face the wall, I hear that works too. 

Integrity

Now we come full circle about intention, although perhaps we never left the same place, our intentions.

Let’s say you are a friend in a situation, how do we act with selfless intention? How can we give the best advice to a friend? What is it that holds us back from giving the most wisdom, the most beneficial advise, the most help to those we respect and love?  It is the thing we hold most important to us.  The things we think we stand so tall on:

Absolute right and wrongs.

A gauge we can use to see that we are probably not using realistic thought is when we know for certain, based on some strongly held belief, based on how you will look if someone heard your given wisdom, we are giving the advice that just anyone would understand. Situations are rarely black and white, and the action for an individual in a situation is often not what an average, third party Joe on the street would agree with. That is why these are called selfless decisions. They often go against everything we think and we feel may be right.

We do the best we can

Simplifying our lives by using realistic thought is a one-step-at-a-time process.  Making hard decisions daily, and failing often.  It only takes the experience of making many of these decisions that will prove to us it is the right way to go. 

For each decision made with integrity, when I have been in my right mind to make them, has given me the selfish feeling of pride.  It makes me feel good to have the trust, credibility, and love of my friends, peers, and family.  It may have taken years to realize the gain, but it has been well worth it.  It tells me that this is in fact a good way for me to try to live.

Realistic Thought

Is there a grounding list of rules in Buddhism to tell us what is right and what is wrong?  I’m sure you can find a list somewhere, but what I have found is that the middle way is relative to the situation.  The ground we can find is in ourselves: the better we are at thinking and acting in ways that are harmonious to the way we want to live and to who we want to be, the less suffering we will create in our lives and the lives of others. The prescription is not a list of rights and wrongs, but a way of getting to know ourselves enough to see hopefully through those fears and hopes that make us seem so selfish.  A way perhaps in which we can make the small decisions of our life more consistent with how we want to be, and not controlled by those hopes and fears that can make us in the end, less of who we can be.

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