Ain’t got twenty years to heal

It is kind of weird.  If you would have asked me a few weeks ago if I would be visiting the East coast again this soon, I would have probably guessed no.

I’m on a plane into Newark New Jersey, and I’m starting a trip to see some family and meet some old friends. If you would have asked me if I would be meeting two of my closest friends from a few life times ago I would have guessed no as well.

A Little Tom Petty

So I’m on this plane, I’ve just configured my little laptop, Pixie, to pair with a set of bluetooth earphones. I got  iTunes installed on it, and I have just cranked up a album that I have not yet had the time to listen to, Tom Petty and the Heart Breaker’s “Echo”.  Some how the first song, “Room at the Top” fits the sentiment of some of what I have been experiencing in the last couple weeks or so.  It is weird to think of how the last couple weeks that have culminated in the making of the right now.

“… I’ve got a room where everyone can have a drink and forget those things that went wrong, in their life…”

I am finding something interesting in living this long.  I have lived long enough to have close friends that I have not been in close contact with for about fifteen or so.  I assume that my situation is not unique in losing touch with friends, those kinds of friends that were so close that one hopes that you would be best friends forever, but then life happened.  I have moved around a bunch, and that makes staying in contact a little more difficult.  But looking closer at the situation I have to admit that for each of “those” friends it was a specific moment-of-difference that seemed to change everything. 

A Moment of Difference

What was that difference? I guess I could use an overused analogy for it: a crossroads.  The crossroads, each unique to the situation and to the friend, can be described as a moment of discomfort where there was a recognition that somehow placed us, at least mentally, on different paths in life.

“… and I ain’t coming down…”

I feel grateful.  I look at those times when a friend and I have parted. For the most part there was no malice in parting. Each discomfort was something like a growing pain or were influences from outside of relationships that caused a separation.  There was no anger, most situations just a point of discomfort or change.  One example from long ago was when of my close buddies found religion. He had found enough religion that  much of what made up our common interests became evil in his eyes.  Oh, the interests were not so controversial, for example one interest was music.  After years of intimately sharing musical habits and tastes we no longer could venture into discussion on our once beloved topic.  There was no malice, no love lost, no wrong doing, just a sad parting of ways.   We were friends.  We both loved each other and cared deeply for each other, and we both wanted each other happy.  How could there be malice?

“… and I ain’t coming down…”

For some people such differences may cause anger and frustration.  In my youth I had seen people use anger as a reasoning for any separation, a necessity in order to have some kind of explanation for a break.  Let’s face it, some of these “moments of difference” make little rational sense when an attempt is made to describe them out loud.  In a way I think some people who have divorced some how follow this kind of logic.

A Death in the Family – Early Lessons

When I was very young I got to experience the loss a close relative who was just a few years older than me.  Her death was tragic, she was very young, and witnessing my families grief and feeling my own for the first time changed my life.  I’m sure that it made me look at people and relationships differently than I would have had I not experienced her death.  For those years after, when these parting moments occurred most of the time a memory of my grief kicked in.  Now that I think of it it usually expressed itself with me communicating to the person that the door was forever open, any day, any time, I would always be their friend.

A Door Left Open

Something in my mind made me think of how these moments that move people to distance, at least in my experience, didn’t really make much sense.  I mean they did, but they didn’t.  Even as a teenager I would just communicate that I would always be there.  I had no idea that anyone would actually come back. There was only one time that I think I wasn’t grateful.  One friend come high school found me years ago, that friend was still angry over some popularity issues.  I hung on to my hat and listened, but I knew that this reunion would be short lived.  It felt like my friend was only checking in to see how he was doing in comparison.  it seems I wasn’t the only one he had called.  Shame really.  I had really liked him.  We became friends again for a short time but we never regained what had originally made us close friends.  The anger that this person had, which wasn’t even anger for me, just seemed to get in the way.  The time had not healed him.  I was sadly associated with a time that  was painful to him (hey high school was tough for most everyone dude).

I have only about one or two more who I suspect I may not get a chance to talk with as close friends again. I would be very open to it of course.  I suspect that there is a sad truth here – a life may not be long enough for two friends who have walked on to different paths to find each other again.  

“… look deep in the eyes of love and find out what you were looking for …”

So What Can Happen in Twenty Years?

Tons and not so much. 

Kids, marriages, breakups, deaths, smiles and tears can happen in twenty years.  Learning formal and informal, jobs, craziness, understanding, anger, and joy.  I would think that it would be difficult for people not to live a somewhat complex life in twenty years.  Let’s face it, change happens if we like it or not, and change is going to happen in twenty years.  Those changes, internal and external, will happen if you are living in a cave, or in a big city.

How much do people change?  That’s a good question.

“… I wish I could feel you tonight, little one you are so far, I wanna reach out and touch your heart…”

When I have reconnected with my friends it really does seem like time has not really made much of a dent of their “inner” person, but yet there has been change.  I suppose when friends can come back after so many years it might be because that change that caused the discomfort may have eased up, or that the difference mellowed with understanding, growth, and compassion.  Time tends to wear away even mountains.   

“… Yeah like they do on those things on TV, I love you, please love me, I’m not so bad, and I love you so…”

I think close friendships are so precious, more and more so as I get older.  I’ll put aside most anything to keep a clear heart for a good friend.  I am becoming old enough to find understanding in most things.  Besides, I know that if I lost one now I probably won’t have twenty years to find them again. 

Find Me

For those who have found me most recently… What was it that I felt? I felt as if I had recognized my friends immediately, as they say… “like it was yesterday.”  The emotion that came up?  A very warm feeling radiating from my heart and a feeling of “Welcome friend, it is so grea
t to see you.  I love you.   And what the hell took you so long?”

“… and I ain’t coming down…”

Give your old friend a call.  What are you waiting for?  They probably would love to hear from you.

(Quotes from Tom Petty and the Heartbreaker’s song “Room on Top”)