Change your view – Eat a baby

Here I am sitting in a plane, a different plane than the one I was sitting in a few hours ago.  This one is supposed to be headed from Minnesota to New Jersey, but currently it sitting on a tarmac, making its way slowly in a line of airplanes to a spot where it will take off into the wild blue yonder.  These is something special about this plane, well, more specifically, there is something very special about my seat. 

“Oh, Dharma,” I hear you thinking, “Your seat special?”

Well, of course, having a special seat on a airplane is something that is hard to believe, especially if you are flying in the cheap seats like me.  But maybe if I explain just a tiny bit further, I may over come your disbelief.  First, let me re-mention we have been on the tarmac.  It has been at least an hour since we left our gate.  I’ll also mention the two Japanese girls sitting next to me snuggling up to each other very very nicely. Oh, and the guy standing in the middle of the row watching them with a look as if there was a video playing in his head. 

No that is not the special I’m talking about right now, but I would suppose that would be special to some. 

This seat which started off as not very special has become special in a very very important way.  You see i have not only one small child screaming his head off and kicking my chair behind me.  That makes it special enough, but what makes it even more special is that the young child’s crying seems to occasionally catch on to his sibling seated next to them.  Those two can wail, and although I’m sure they are trying, it nothing like a two part harmony. 

They say cat’s cry and mew in tones that approximate a human baby. They do so to grab the attention of humans better.  Well, if cats are smart enough to do this type impersonation for their own purposes it makes me wonder just what kind of brilliance this child behind me is performing, other than making each person within ear shot grind their teeth. 

The Huge Smile on my Face has Raised Notice

The creepy dude who was eyeballing my eastern cuddling friends has caught notice of the massive smile on my face.  Have I given away my look of enlightenment as I type these words?  I feel elation to know that I must be the only person on this plane who has joy in my heart during this cacophony of squeal and holler.  I feel the warmth rise from me as I’m hold back laughter. The solution is simple.  We must eat the baby.

The man’s eyes showed the sadness that could only mean that the perfect view of the cudders could not overcome the wretched sound of the baby.  He looked at my smile with wonder and he turned to the person next to him and gave away the location of the merriment.  I thought to myself, oh shit.  Now the ladies next to me were looking at me too.  

“Can I ask you?  How can you possibly be smiling while sitting next to that?” he said it in a soft voice, making sure to keep out of the mother’s hearing radius (the mother’s hearing radius was small; studies have shown that embarrassment caused by crying babies on a plane can also cause temporary deafness as well.)   I said nothing, but I did produced a spork and a nail clipper, that I keep for just such occasions. Then I proceeded to move them in fork-and-knife cutting fashion.  I saw that people were not far behind me in their thought process when the one Japanese women turned and smiled ferociously. She produced two chopsticks from her hair.  Her lover followed suit by producing a perfect glass blade, taken from her slightly undone kimono.

Ok, well maybe it didn’t happen quite like that

Ok, yeah, well… it didn’t quite happen that way at all.  The creepy guy did look over wondering as I held back a tear and stopped myself short from laughing aloud as the kicking and screaming continued.  I did not look up again till my joy calmed.

I could hear trepidation

I could hear trepidation as the stewardess  said into the loud speaker, “Ummm soft drinks are free, alcohol and wine will be seven dollars, beer – five dollars.”  She sounded confused or perhaps in pain.  As she finished the sentence I could feel the collective spirit of all of the persons on the plane think all at once. In their own collective fantasies the mother of the infant had just said, “I would like to buy everyone on this plane a drink for the discomfort me and my family has caused.”

Life just doesn’t work that way.   Yes, life is unfair.

We finally took off

It only took about 15 more minutes for the mother to figure out something to finally quiet the child down.  The stewardess came by with drinks shortly after and she looked at me and I smiled. She seemed frazzled and relieved at the same time. It could have been my smile that gave her the look of relief, or it could have been her feeling as if tragedy had been averted by the quieting of the young child. 

Well, I’m still smiling.   I would never eat a child… really…

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No children or small animals were harmed in the writing of this story.

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Breaking News:  The child behind me has broken his peace, he just started to giggle wildly. The blue haired lady in red sitting across the isle has just jumped up out of her chair. She just took a cane out of the compartment above her head.  She is keeping her balance yet moving quickly. She just lowered the cane, wrong side down to the floor. Oh crap, she removed the lower part of of her cane. She has a blade! This ain’t going to be pretty.